Leaving Love Behind
by xoxomickeyxoxo
Summary: When Cuddy decides to leave PPTH to practice again, she leaves everything behind - including House. Will she ever forget him? Will he ever forget her? Huddy - AU - Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Hey everyone! It's me, again, haha. So I've had this idea for a story for a really long time, and now it's finally becoming concrete! It's just a first chapter - if you guys like and want me to keep going.... Just review and let me know what you think!

**Disclaimer: David Shore owns everything.**

**Copyright: Don't take my writing please!**

So as always, read, review, and enjoy!

* * *

The Dean of Medicine position came naturally to her – Lisa Cuddy was an expert at working and interacting with people and, obviously, there needed to be someone with a level head to control House's juvenile antics and unethical medical philosophies and practices. Nevertheless, deep down inside her, there was the passion for medicine that had been smoldering since she was twelve years old. She couldn't stay at Princeton-Plainsborough Teaching Hospital – she wanted to become a practicing doctor and she couldn't very easily step down here; the replacement would always be coming to her with dilemmas, and soon, she would be back to where she started. No, she needed to be away, away from here.

The goodbyes were hard – she was leaving everything that she knew and everyone that she loved behind. She took it slowly, pacing herself day by day, the goodbyes getting a little harder each day – the nurses and the doctors took a full two days, – there were so many. Chase, Cameron, Thirteen, Taub, Kutner, and Foreman took another day. They were shocked and confused at her sudden departure, but didn't question when she said that this was something she had to do for herself. They took turns giving hugs and crying, but enjoying one last time together, while laughing and remembering. Wilson was a separate goodbye – the hurt was dampened by the final contracts for the offer to accept her position, which he had gladly accepted weeks before. Nevertheless, as quickly as that joy had come, the damper was released, and Cuddy lay on his shoulder and cried the cons of what she was doing beginning to overpower the pros. But she pushed on, as hard as it was, and as much as she felt her heart crumbling into pieces.

It was Friday – her last day working as Dean of Medicine for Princeton Plainsborough Teaching Hospital in New Jersey. Monday, she would begin as one of the three endocrinologists working for Mount Sinai Hospital in New York. Her office was cleaned out of her personal possessions, waiting for Wilson to come and embrace the position she had both willingly and unwillingly left behind. There was one goodbye left that she had to give, one that was equally frightening and invigorating.

Cuddy tapped softly on the glass door, after a moment of silently watching him strum the guitar. House looked up, his cerulean eyes shooting a sparkle of electricity through her veins, for the last time, she realized sadly.

"Hey," she said quietly. He didn't respond, simply played another chord on the guitar. Over the past years, she had mastered their silent language, and this was an invitation to continue.

"So I'm leaving," she commented bluntly – even though she wasn't expecting him to care, she had to say goodbye. He meant too much to her. And up until recently, she had thought she meant something to him too.

When news of her departure had slowly surfaced, he reacted not with sadness, frustration, anger, or even delight – he had remained completely indifferent. It had hurt in the beginning, but she had come to terms with it, immersing herself in the demanding preparations of leaving, making arrangements for the old hospital, the new hospital, herself, and Rachel. House and Cuddy remained in their normal fashion, bickering when he tried to do something utterly insane and House making inappropriate comments about the size of her ass. But even though they tried to move past it, there was something that was now missing from their relationship. There had always been that mutual attraction between them, but the spark from his end had now dwindled away or he had suddenly hidden it away. It both scared her and made her sad, but she knew it was better this way – in the end, it would save her heart from a lot more pain than it had already gone through with him.

"So I guess I'll see you around," she added, coming back to reality. He was silent again.

"Probably not," he suddenly said, his voice startling her. She lightly laughed, nodding, as she comprehended.

"I guess not." There was silence between them once again and she stepped forward, putting her heart out on the line for the last time with him.

"I'll miss you," she said, stepping forward and giving him an awkward, one-armed hug. He stopped playing and sat silently with her arms around him.

_'Don't go,"_ he silently pleaded, but that was all he could muster – an unspoken wish. Too intent on remaining miserable and too scared of being happy, this was all he could give her – a broken, empty shell of a real man. Cuddy gave him one last squeeze and then released him. House could see pinpricks of tears shimmering in the corners of her eyes.

"Bye." The word was like a whisper in the wind as she turned around on her stiletto heel and vanished into the night. His heartbeat increased as he stopped being so self-absorbed for just one minute and realized that he lost her, a true friend and potential partner. The guitar he held in his hands suddenly felt too heavy to hold and he placed it down, grabbing his cane, keys, and coat and rushing out of the hospital.

"Thanks Arielle," Cuddy said, waving goodbye to the young nanny as she cradled her baby lovingly to her chest. She sighed, her heart pounding out a slow, dull throbbing beat in her chest. Cuddy closed the door, leaning against it as she looked at the house overflowing with boxes. The only things that remained were the fixed appliances, the mattress, clothes for the next couple of days, and the baby's things. The house was as empty as her heart and as she put Rachel to bed, tears flowed down her cheeks and she wasn't sure if she could stop them. There was another reason that she had to leave here, but she wasn't ready to admit it to anyone, not even herself. And between those two things, it was enough to take her away from this place.

The Scotch and Vicodin and begun to mix and now created a pleasant dulling throb in House's head. It was just enough for him to forget about today but not quite enough that he was unconscious – yet, at least. He stumbled from the couch to the bathroom, splashing water on his face and collapsing on the bed in his room. The room seemed to spin and his vision started to fade. House blindly fumbled for the phone and dialed a number. It went straight to voicemail and his breathing became labored, as sleep seemed to be engulfing him.

"Don't… go. You should stay. This is your whole life. I… need you to stay." The phone slipped from his hand and sleep overtook him. It wasn't until morning that he realized that he had replaced the two at the end of her number with a three. She would never know.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey everyone! Sorry it's been a while, I've been working on my other stuff. If you haven't you should check them out - I really could use the feedback!

I hope you like this - please review! I love hearing from you guys!

**Disclaimer & Copyright: Blah blah.**

So as always, read, review, and enjoy!

* * *

"Mommy!" Rachel cried, leaping off the couch and running to her mom and wrapping her arms around her legs. Cuddy smiled, running her hands through her daughter's dark brown hair and giving her a kiss on top of the head.

"Hi, sweetie," Cuddy said sweetly, putting down her briefcase, picking up her five year old daughter, and resting her on her hip. "What's that smell?"

"Daddy is making stir fry chicken," Rachel declared and Cuddy blushed, heading into the kitchen. The mention of her fiancée as "Daddy" made her heart warm – the perfect family she had always envisioned was coming to life.

"Hey Neil," she said, going over to the stove and kissing him on the cheek.

"Hi honey," he replied, kissing her back on the cheek and giving Rachel a small kiss on the nose. Rachel giggled and he laughed back, Cuddy observing the interaction with a warm smile.

Neil was essentially perfect. Wonderfully charming with deep green eyes, he was Cuddy's first friend in New York – first friend at the hospital. He graduated from Johns Hopkins and was now the chief surgeon at the hospital. Over the past five years, they developed a friendship, and over the past three years, a relationship, that just recently had been taken to the next level. She was euphoric, running on a pure high that she had found someone that would take her for who she was, her hormonal, bossy, pain in the ass self.

"I found a caterer for the wedding," Neil commented, breaking Cuddy out of her daydream.

"Really?" Cuddy asked, her excitement growing by the second. The wedding planning had gone along smoothly, but they had recently hit a road bump – the caterers that they knew of were either not good enough or more interested in Cuddy then the wedding. "How did you find one?"

"I was in surgery today and Mark mentioned that his wife recently opened a catering company while we were talking about the wedding plans." Cuddy smiled, kissing him again.  
"That's great sweetie," she said, putting down Rachel and began to set the table.

"They also have invitations and she said she could get a great deal for us. I have a few sample ones in my briefcase, if you want to check them out. I also started making a guest list, just a sample, that would maybe take some of the work load off your back," He teased and Cuddy smiled. She had thrown herself vigorously into the wedding plans – it was her first and last wedding and she was determined to make it a spectacular event.

"I have my family, your family, friends from the hospital, some buddies from college… Anyone from New Jersey that you would want to invite?" Cuddy stopped – she wasn't ready to print the invitations just yet. A thought and name crossed her mind that she hadn't let cross her mind since she had become involved with Neil. Of course Wilson, Cameron, Chase, Kutner, Foreman, Thirteen, and Taub. But… would he?

"You okay?" Neil asked, watching her think. Cuddy nodded slowly, looking up and smiling apprehensively.

"Fine," Cuddy nodded and gave him a small smile. She took another deep breath, washing away all of those thoughts.

A week later, Cuddy and Neil were sitting at the kitchen table, stacks of invitations in front of them, diligently addressing them, Cuddy, with her swirly handwriting filled with loops and spirals, and Neil, with his strangely neat handwriting for a boy, square and blocked. There were nearly a hundred invitations and Cuddy was finishing them up.

"You're inviting Wilson? Good," Neil smiled and Cuddy smiled back at him. Wilson drove up to see them every month and ate dinner with them. She paused at the last envelope, her pen poised over the envelope. Neil watched her suspiciously and went to go get them some water.

Cuddy sighed, resting her chin in the palm of her hands. After a moment, she placed the pen to paper, writing out his name. Above anything that had ever happened between them, they were friends – never anything more. He obviously didn't want to be, and she was happy with Neil.

"Who's that?" Neil asked, looking over her shoulder at the name she was writing out on paper.

"A friend from New Jersey," she said simply.

"I've… never heard you mention him before. An old… boyfriend?" There was skepticism deeply set in his voice.

"We never dated," Cuddy said, truthfully and Neil watched the lines set in her face. "There's nothing to worry about."

"Okay," he said simply. He loved her and was sure she loved him too – if she said there was nothing to worry about, he wouldn't worry.

* * *

House had decided only to check his mail once a month – it was always too much work to check it every day. There was nothing but magazines and worthless ads – he was preparing to throw it all away, when a letter fell out, his name written out in swirly letters, the G looped around like a high school girl. He picked it up, opening it, his heart stopping as he read the text on the lacy white insert. He leaned back on to the couch, popping three Vicodin as the pain in his leg suddenly intensified. He took a deep breath, picking up the phone, and dialing a number he knew very well.

"Wilson!"

"What is it House?" Wilson was immune to House's 3 a.m. phone calls and drunk dialing.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" There was silence on the phone.

"I didn't think you were ever going to check the mail," Wilson said honestly.

"Yes, because I've been getting a fucking wedding invitation every day for five years," House spat, gripping the phone so hard that his knuckles turned white.

"You really think that if I told you, you would have taken it so well? That she left and moved on so quickly – even though the two of you never dated, the fact that you still felt something for her… I didn't know how you were going to react. I'm sorry." The line went dead and Wilson sighed. House's feelings were hurt, and when they were so rarely hurt, he tended to act like a wounded puppy. Now that he knew, Wilson wasn't sure that House was going to recover.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey everyone! I know it's been a really really long time, but I was kind of at a loss of what to write. But now I have an idea and I should have another chapter up sometime soon!

**D&C**

So, as always, read, review (pretty please?), and enjoy!

* * *

It was as if someone had injected ice into her veins, as she stood in the front of the hospital. She took a deep breath, knowing it was only a few steps until she was standing in the middle of that familiar lobby. Nevertheless, a powerful force kept her back – it was not the absence of her dean of medicine position – she loved being able to work with patients and families again, and not when it involved lawsuits or apologizing for House's irresponsibility and attitude. She didn't know what exactly she was doing here, but she had taken the day off work, and drove back to Princeton, and now she was here. She took that deep breath, throwing herself in, and walked inside, suddenly feeling like she had never left.

The lobby immediately quieted as she walked inside – the old staff members had never forgotten their old boss, and the new staff members questioned who the woman who had so authoritatively walked in was, with the sway of her hips, the height of her stilettos, and the strong scent of her perfume lingering wherever she walked.

Cuddy was prepared to walk by her old office without even so much as a glance, but stopped as she stood in front of those doors, seeing a ghost of herself behind them. She remembered the first time she stepped into those doors, the excitement of being the first woman Dean of Medicine fresh in her blood. She remembered all of the work that she did in that office, from paper work to arguing with House, disproving his medical theories. And she remembered the last time she stepped through those doors, a box full of her books and possessions. She sighed softly and walked away, her raven black curls bouncing against her shoulders. Cuddy pressed the elevator and the elevator open.

"Dr. Cuddy!" Cameron had been heading down to the clinic, but stopped in the face of her old boss.

"Hi Dr. Cameron," Cuddy smiled, giving the young doctor a warm embrace.

"What are you doing here? Is everything okay?" Cuddy nodded, although she herself was unsure of the answer.

"Everything's fine – I just… wanted to come see the hospital, see everyone."

"Well I know Chase and I had dinner with you the other week, but have you seen H-," Cameron bit her lip, knowing she had overstepped a line. "Have you seen anyone else?" Cuddy's heart pressed against her chest – she had tried so hard to forget about him, and now in the last week, so many memories of him had flooded back into her life.

"Well, Wilson comes up every month… And Rachel demands to see her Uncle Kutner… and we had dinner with Foreman and Thirteen." They stood in silence for a moment before Cuddy turned to her and asked, "Is Wilson around? I wanted to surprise him."

"Yeah, he should be in his office… I don't think he's with a patient, but -"  
"Thank you!" Cuddy said, stepping onto the open elevator.

"Wait, Cuddy!" Cameron said, reaching forward to stop the elevator.

"I'll come say goodbye before I leave, okay?" Cuddy said with a bright smile as the elevator door shut. Cameron sighed, running a hand through her blonde hair. She had seen House go into Wilson's office about fifteen minutes ago – and if she knew anything about her former boss, he was probably still in there.

* * *

There was a knock at Wilson's door and Wilson looked over at House, with a confused look on his face.

"Forget about a patient?"

"No - that's you," Wilson said, rolling his eyes.

"Well I can't be in two places at once, so I don't know who it is." Wilson sighed, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Come in," Wilson said.

"Surprise!" Cuddy said, throwing open the door in a burst of enthusiasm, stopping as she saw House lying nonchalantly on the couch. At the sight of her, he swung his legs over and sat straight up, his eyes wide as if he had seen a ghost.

"Cuddy," Wilson said with a smile, standing up and going to embrace her. "What are you doing here?" he asked, holding her out at an arms length.

"I just thought I'd stop by, say hello," she said softly, all the while glancing at House. She hadn't seen him since the day she had left, the day she had put her heart out on the line, waiting for him to say something, to have her spirits be crushed once again. He looked mostly the same, but there were subtle changes that she had noticed. The lines in his face had somewhat deepened, the grey in his hair had become more frequent, and his eyes – he had lost that spark that enhanced the blue of his eyes. They were duller – less defined.

He sat on the couch, watching as she gave Wilson a warm embrace and feeling heat rush up the back of his neck and his palms go cold. She was the same more or less, no different then the perfect images of his drunken hallucinations or the vivid pictures of his imagination. Her hair held the same volume, her skin smooth and pale like alabaster, and her clothes hugged her curves tightly. Her eyes, however, lacked the depth that had made him first notice her more than twenty years ago.

Cuddy felt a tingling in her lips and softly bit them, eager to repress that longing feeling that her hormones were shooting through her body. There was nothing more that she wanted to do than throw down her bag, press him against the wall, and kiss him with an unrestrained passion. She loved Neil, she really did, – nevertheless, she sighed as she realized that she could possibly always love House. She didn't know how – he was emotionally unavailable, cold, and abrasive, even on his better days. Neil was kind, loyal, and could take care of her. She took a deep breath and faced him square in the eyes.

"It's good to see you," she said softly, reaching out to embrace him, but he backed away from the contact. He gave one small nod, but headed out the door to the balcony that adjoined House's office with Wilson's.

"That… could have gone better," she said with a grim smile, as she sat down in the chair across from Wilson.

"What are you doing here?" He asked curiously, swiftly sidestepping her remark.

"I just… wanted to come say hello," Cuddy lied easily and Wilson raised an eyebrow.

"You wanted to see how he was doing because you hadn't told him you were seeing someone and your wedding invitations just went out," Wilson said, reading right through her. He had known her too long and too well to be fooled by her. Cuddy sighed in defeat.

"I guess… I never worked up the courage to tell him… I don't know why, it never occurred to me that he would even care." Wilson nodded.

"I should go talk to him, shouldn't I?" Wilson nodded again, opening up a file, signaling the end of their conversation. He stood up, opening the door for her.

"It was great to see you," he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. She wrapped her arms around her friend tightly.

"Thank you, James," she said and closed the door behind her.

* * *

"I've got a case for you – really cool," Cameron exclaimed, waltzing into House's office with a file. House looked up from plugging in his guitar and shook his head.

"I don't want it."

"It's really cool, House. This is the kind of thing -."  
" I said, I don't want it," he bellowed, banging his fist angrily on the table. Cameron nodded, understanding the thick implications laced in his voice. Cameron knew he saw her, and knew that he would be like this for weeks now. She left without another word, giving one last worried look at her former boss. Cameron saw Cuddy coming down the hall and gave a small wave.

"Are… you going to see House?"

"Yeah, I… need to talk to him."

"I… don't know if now -."  
"I know. I just… need to talk to him," she said, walking past Cameron and knocking on House's door. She was experiencing extreme déjà vu as she stared through the window, watching as he strummed chords on his guitar. A shiver ran up her spine as she remembered the night that she left five years ago. She didn't bother knocking, merely walked right inside. He stopped playing, looking up at her.

"Hey," she said with a smile and he put the guitar down, popping another Vicodin.

"Hey," House said curtly. "Shouldn't you be planning for the wedding?" He spat as cruelly as possible.

"Don't do that, House. It's got nothing to do with you," she said, shaking her head.

"I guess not," he said, looking up at her. His eyes looked angry now and she took a step forward, her heart threatening to beat out of her chest.

"What the hell, House? I'm trying to talk to you here!" Cuddy said, her hands balling up into small fists of frustration.

"Like you did for five years, right?" House said, turning up the volume on the amp, letting her know in their silent language that the conversation was over. Cuddy was angry now, turning to leave. She pushed open the door, but stood in the doorway.

"I don't… even know why I came here today. I guess I was looking for a reason to stay… all of that talk about cold feet and everything. And when I saw you, maybe I thought that you changed. But you didn't, House. You will never change, and it was so unbelievably stupid of me to think that you could. So there is nothing, absolutely nothing or no one, I would want to stay for!" Cuddy declared, her voice rising with each word, and slamming the door on her way out.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey everyone! I know it's been a while, but here it is! I actually figured out what I'm going to do with this story, thanks to a few reviewers who I got my ideas from. I'm really excited.

**Disclaimer: I don't own House MD or any of the characters, except my own. I also do not own the songs "No Sleep Tonight" and "All You Need Is Love." Just thought I'd throw that in there.**

Huddy lovers will probably cry at this chapter - but this is basically rock bottom, so it can only go up. Well, the next chapter is pretty sad too.

So as always, read, review, and enjoy!

* * *

The weeks passed, a whirlwind of wedding plans and a blur of second guessing. With every day that passed, Cuddy was finding it hard to breath – her feet were toasty warm, but her heart wasn't fully in it. Her thoughts, no matter how hard she tried to think otherwise, kept drifting back to Greg. Their last encounter had left her shell-shocked, and somehow more infatuated with him than before. He was an ungodly frustrating narcissistic bastard and he just kept pulling her in.

* * *

It was the night before the wedding, and because Neil was old fashioned, he spent the night at a hotel, while Cuddy had brought Rachel to her mom's house. She needed the night to be by herself, to be able to drink without the responsibility of taking care of Rachel.

Cuddy headed to the refrigerator and opened it, dissatisfied with the selections of wines that they had stocked up. She closed the door, and pulled up a stool, looking above the fridge in the liquor cabinet for something heavier. Gin, tequila, rum, scotch - scotch sounded perfect to her, as she pulled the near full bottle down. It reminded her of him, and that was what she needed tonight. A reminder of his liquor and drug habits, a reminder of anything that kept them from being together in the first place. She poured herself a glass, swirling it around before taking a swig. It tasted strange as it went down her throat, Cuddy had never been a heavy liquor drinker, but tonight it felt oddly comforting.

* * *

"Please tell me you're going?" Wilson's voice came over the line and House groaned.

"I don't want to," he whined like a small child. He didn't want to see the woman he loved with whoever the guy was. He didn't even bother to look at the engagement photos that they had sent with the invitation, he just stuffed it in between the seat cushions, unwilling to throw it away, but unwilling to look at it.

"You know she wants you there - you're one of her oldest friends," Wilson pleaded and House winced at the word "friend". That's all that they ever were - friends. Maybe not for one drunken night in college, but that was all that they ever were - all that they could ever be. She didn't want him, she never would want him the way that he had always wanted her. He pulled out his pill bottle and tossed two Vicodin in the air. One landed in his mouth but one missed and landed between the cushions.

"House? Are you going?"

"Whatever," House said, hanging up and tossing the phone aside. He had dug through the cushions to find the pill and found the invitation in the process. It was still in the envelope and he turned it over in his hands, noticing the way she signed name, with loops on the G's. He noticed the return address on the left hand top corner and sighed, throwing it to the side. House picked it up again, closing his eyes as he attempted to retrace her movements over the paper. He wanted to feel her skin against his one more time, wanted to experience the taste of her lips, and to run his hands through her silky soft curls. It was too late now and he would never have his chance.

* * *

_I got you, I got you on my mind_

_And it's time to make you see _

_So I'll just make this a little ore obvious_

_Cause I get what I want, and I want you to get with me!_

The alcohol had been flowing through her system for hours now, and it clouded her judgements, flooded into her actions. She wore boxer shorts and a tank top, and she felt free, freed from her life as a doctor, freed from the suits and heels that she classically wore every day to work. For the first time in many months, Lisa Cuddy felt like a woman, not a doctor, just a woman the night before her wedding. And when she stopped thinking about herself as a doctor, she stopped thinking about House. At least, she attempted to forget about him.

There was a knock at the door and Cuddy stopped dancing around the living room, looking at the door. It wasn't Neil, obviously, and she wasn't expecting any of her friends to make any guest appearances.

"What are you doing here?" Lisa asked taking a heavy swig of the Scotch as she set the glass on the end table. She was surprised to see him here - she wasn't even expecting to see him tomorrow. House stood in the doorway of her house, looking around. It was somewhat what he had pictured her in for all these years - cute, filled with pictures, and tasteful decorations. His blue eyes met hers and he felt an electrical current run through his body. He moved in closer, tossing his cane aside as he wrapped an arm around her waist and one in her hair - he pushed her against the wall, as he wrapped his long arm around her waist, pulling her into him.

"House?! What the hell are you doing?" she asked, pushing him away with all of the force she could muster up. "What the hell are you doing?" she asked forcefully, a growl rising in her throat.

"Lisa... you can't get married tomorrow... what the hell are you doing with that guy?"

"For your information, he loves me - he's not some screwed up drug addict who can't feel anything for anyone except for your goddamn pills!"

"You know how I feel about you - you're the one that never cared!"

"All of those times that I would go back to you again again... when I would talk about relationships around you - you are not that dumb, House, you are one of the smartest men I know - you really missed it?"

"I told you how I felt," House pleaded, putting a hand up to rub his thumb against her cheek. Cuddy snorted a laugh as she looked away from him.

"When have you ever told me how you felt?"

"The night... you left... almost five years ago. I called you and... I told you," House said, genuinely upset that she couldn't remember.

"You called me?" she asked, twisting out of his grasp. "What are you even talking about?"

"I told you... I called you and told you not to leave."

"I.... never knew," Cuddy said quietly, trying to remember if she ever got a message. She shook her head - she would obviously have remembered if he had called. She didn't easily forget things that he did or said to her.

"You didn't get the call?"

"No, House, what did you think?"

"I just didn't think you cared... I didn't think you felt the same way when you didn't call me back."

"Well, I didn't think you cared enough to stop me."

"I told you that you couldn't leave in the message... I told you that.... that I needed you to say." Cuddy watched the look on his face, feeling her heart pound at the sight of true emotion. She stood up on her tip toes to kiss him, throwing her arms around his neck as she pulled him closer. Cuddy tugged at the bottom curls of his hair as she kissed him with a fiery passion, lit up like the sun. He kissed her back as he pressed her against him, moving one hand down from her waist to cup her ass. House pushed her against the wall again, sliding his lips down her cheek, down her cheekbone, to kiss her neck. Cuddy took in a sharp breath as she closed her eyes, sighing in ecstasy. He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist, holding him tightly to her body. She began to unbutton his shirt, her lips still interlocked with his as she threw it away, running her hands up his chest, feeling his muscles. She kissed his chest as he sighed, throwing her gently onto the bed as he pulled her shirt up over her head. He ran his hands up and down her body, relishing in the fact that this perfection was his, at least for tonight.

They had had sex before, House perhaps more than Cuddy, but this was different for the both of them. It wasn't an act of desperation, an act of routine, or even a paid transaction - it was the moment that they had both been waiting for, the moment that everyone around them could see needed to happen, but the one that they were too stubborn to ever admit to themselves or each other. And now it was here, it was finally happening, and they were in the moment - but maybe that's all it was.

* * *

Her ringtone was _All You Need Is Love_ - it was her favorite song of all time, and she was elated when she found it for her phone. But when it started to ring at almost 7 in the morning, Cuddy was dreading answering it.

"Hello?" she answered nervously, wrapping the bed sheet around her naked body, as she looked over at House, who was lying face down in the pillow.

"Good morning beautiful," Neil said on the other line, and she could hear the excitement in his voice. "I know we're not supposed to see each other... but I couldn't resist calling you. Did I wake you up?"

"No... it's okay, I was just getting up," she lied easily, the guilt pouring through her body.

"Well... I should let you get all dolled up - not that you need it, you're already beautiful. I love you."

"I love you too."

"I'll see you later," Neil said with a grin.

"I'll be the one in white," Cuddy barely choked out, as she flipped her phone shut. House began to stir, turning over and looking at him.

"Good morning," he said, sitting up and kissing her again.

"House...," she said and he sat straighter. Last night, she had called him Greg - she only called him Greg in their most intimate of moments. When they were in college, when they had kissed, last night when she was whispering his name into his ear, she had called him Greg.

"What's wrong?" Cuddy hesitated - if her thoughts were tangible objects, she would need a U-Haul truck to carry them all.

"I have to go," she choked out, tears spilling out of her eyes.

"Don't cry," he pleaded, wiping the tears off her face. "You don't have to marry him."

"Yes... Yes, I do."

"What about us?" House asked, as he cradled her porcelain face. He read the heartbreak in her eyes, and wasn't sure if it was because she had made the biggest mistake of her life, or whether she knew she was about to.

"Greg... I love you, I always have love you. But... you can't be there for me... it's like I always said... it'd be great for a few weeks, a couple months at most, and then it would end in a huge blow up... I can't do that... I can't do that to me, I can't do that to Rachel... she needs a stable father figure in her life... and maybe one day I can love him as much as I love you... but I need to go get married right now." House stared at her, feeling like he was being shot by rifles, and wasn't able to move away, just was being struck continuously by the bullets, blood and hurt pouring out of his wounds.

"Will you be there?"

"What?"

"Will you be at the wedding... today?" House choked back a cynical laugh, looking at her with his ice blue eyes. He loved her so much it hurt, and he didn't want to experience any more pain. House rubbed his leg almost routinely as she waited for his answer. Maybe it was better for him to move on, to let her go. Even though he wasn't sure he could do it, he had to try.

"For you, Lisa Cuddy? Anything."


	5. Chapter 5

Hey everyone! Here is the chapter that you all have been waiting for!

**Disclaimer and Copyright**

So as always, read, review, and enjoy!!!

* * *

Lisa Cuddy felt like she was trapped in a horror movie – it was the moment when the hero or heroine was slowly twisting the door knob, and the audience was screaming at them to turn around and walk away from the disaster that was their life. Well, Cuddy figured her life was a pretty big disaster right now as she stood in the back of the church, face to face with a hundred of her closest friends and family, clad in a white dress that she didn't feel completely right in, even though her and her bridesmaids had spent hours getting ready. Cameron had done her makeup and her bridesmaids all said that she looked like a porcelain angel, her striking blue eyes the thing that Neil had insisted they build the wedding off of. Blue and silver directions littered the wedding hall and her three bridesmaids were lad in different navy blue dresses, each tailored specifically to look amazing on each different woman.

Her heart thudded as she stood at the back of the church, almost frozen to the ground. Her heart thudded hard and fast, echoing in her ears. She saw Neil standing at the end of the aisle and she smiled faintly, as she tried to rationalize her choice. It's like **he **had said when Chase and Cameron were getting married, about the bachelor party. Something about commitment the day before the wedding is completely different then the day after the wedding, because if it's the same the day before than the day after, then it's completely meaningless. Cuddy was sure that's what he had said. It was how she rationalized her experience with him, the one she refused she wouldn't label as a mistake. It was right – so right, just completely too late.

Cuddy took one step forward as her cue signaled, the piano music changing from a general melody to a sweet lullaby. The audience rose in her presence and even though she had spent her whole life in the eyes of an audience, but today, for this occasion, she felt uncomfortable, under the bright spotlight.

"Are you okay honey?" Her dad whispered as they slowly made their way down the aisle.

"Yeah, Dad, I'm fine," she said, giving her dad a weak smile as they passed the section with all of her New Jersey friends. She noticed Chase, Taub with his wife, Foreman, Thirteen, and Wilson all sitting together. Wilson turned to whisper to the man sitting next to him and Cuddy's heart skipped a few beats, as she sharply took in breaths. He was there, dressed in a suit and everything, his hair dry – he hadn't shaved, but she liked his stubble – part of his rugged, masculine charm. He nodded at her in a quick greeting, and looked down, mouthing some words to himself. Cuddy blushed, reading the words he formed on his lips. It was a simple compliment, but House lived his life around logic and reasoning, blatantly ignoring human emotion – and this made her feel special, appreciated. The word beautiful was so casually thrown around the house so often that it was merely an every day word, one lacking any significant meeting.

"Hey," Neil said and Cuddy looked up in surprise – she hadn't realized that they were standing in front of the altar yet. She took a quick look over her shoulder, reading the heartbroken look on House's face. She felt her heart break and had to turn back to face Neil and the priest, in order not to feel like the horrible person that she was.

The priest began the ceremony after Cuddy's father handed her away, tears in her parent's eyes as they saw their baby daughter commit herself to someone else. He began the readings and the wedding ceremony flowed on smoothly, through the vows, and the exchanging of the rings. Neil slid the beautiful gold ring onto her finger with her engagement band, they fit together like a set - "Like you and I," he would always say. With a shaking nervous hand, she slid his gold band on his left hand as the crowd watched her. She swore she could feel House's intense gaze on her back, sending chills up and down her spine.

"How are you holding up?" Wilson whispered in House's ear, as House attempted to ignore him, focusing on the marriage happening in front of him.

"I know you love her House... but it was a good thing that you did," Wilson said, already informed with the intense details of his situation.

"Shut up," he muttered. If it was the right thing, why did he feel so crappy?

"I now pronounce you husband and wife," the priest said, as Neil put his hand on the side of her face and pulled her close. She kissed him back, gently putting her arms around his neck – it didn't feel the same and she wished that it was Greg standing up there with her, kissing her, wearing a symbol of his commitment, declaring his love for her in front of a crowd. But it wasn't – he would never be able to do that for her. Neil was safe and House could never be what she needed – it was as simple as that. He couldn't change – he wouldn't change. She turned to face her crowd, a smile of acceptance and joy mixed on her face. The acceptance that they could never be and the joy that she finally could move on. She met his eyes and raised her chin a quarter of an inch, to show him that they couldn't keep going like this, to show him her superiority. House met her gaze and was surprised – they needed to talk.

They formed a receiving line outside the hall, greeting their friends and family with warm embraces. The wedding party was small, three bridesmaids and three groomsmen, along with the bride and groom. Her family was the first to wrap the newly weds into a warm embrace, then her New York friends and coworkers, all thrilled to see that their fellow doctors in love, time for a relationship, even though constricted by the tough demands of their profession. Then Neil struck up conversation with his old friends from college, while Cuddy was enveloped into the warm embraces of her. Chase threw his arms around his former boss, then pulled Cameron away from the receiving line to be next to him, intertwining their fingers. Cuddy smiled at her friends who looked genuinely happy as Cameron placed a hand on her stomach, nothing but a tiny bump showing through her dress, even after being six months pregnant. Her thoughts were dragged away from the young, beautiful couple as Taub, his wife, Foreman, and Thirteen all said their congratulations.

Wilson and House approached after they stepped aside, looking at their best and oldest friend.

"Hey Lisa," Wilson said, wrapping his arms around Cuddy and smiling. "Welcome to the realm of marriage," he said with a small laugh and Cuddy laughed as well. She took a deep, steadying breath to calm her nerves as she turned to face House, a small smile spreading over her face. Cuddy drank his image in, inhaled the smell of cologne and lingering Scotch, and observed the way that he stood so close to her, the electrifying current between them almost visible.

"Congratulations," he said softly.

"Thank you," she responded, almost harshly. House opened his mouth to say more, but was interrupted by Rachel jumping into her mothers arms.

"Hi Momma," she exclaimed, giving her mother a kiss on the nose. "Does you walking down the aisle mean I have a Daddy now?"

"Of course baby doll – Neil is your Daddy now," Cuddy said, a comment intended for both her daughter and House. Wilson watched the two exchange words, reading the heartbroken looks on their faces, and wondered if the two of them made the biggest mistake of their lives.

* * *

"And for the very first time – Mr and Mrs Neil Roberts!" The announcer said as the newlywed couple entered through the big double doors of the reception hall. Cuddy squeezed Neil's hand for reassurance and he smiled, kissing her on the cheek.

"I love you, Lisa," he said, as they headed to their chairs amidst all the applause. He pulled out the chair for her, settling her in her seat before he sat down.

"I love you too," she said, looking from the head table over the crowd. She noticed House sitting closer to the front and she looked away, towards her husband. She wanted him to go, needed him to go so that she could be honestly happy with her new husband. Cuddy knew she could be happy with Neil, she had once before, without reminders of House everywhere, without House himself everywhere. But House... House was her oxygen – she needed him to breathe.

* * *

"And now, please clear the stage for Neil and Lisa's first dance as husband and wife," the announcer said over the microphone.

"Ready?" Neil asked as he held out his hand for his wife to hold and she smiled softly, grasping his strong hand and he pulled her up, whisking her to the dance floor. He put one arm around her waist and intertwined his fingers with hers. She rested her head on his shoulder and locked eyes with House as the music began to play, as they both wished that they could be together, dancing and holding together. Cuddy looked down and shook her head, indicating that he couldn't do that now, not here. They had this silent communication, one they had used for years without letting anyone else catch onto their hidden meanings. House widened his eyes slightly, with a small shrug of his shoulders, as Cuddy turned her head towards the doors.

"You okay sweetheart?" Neil asked, interrupting their conversation.

"I'm great," Cuddy lied easily as she kissed his cheek and continued to dance.

* * *

"You said we had to talk... I'm here, can we talk? I have to go back to my husband now," Cuddy said, her hand flying around in animated gestures. House sat on a bench outside the hall, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands clasped together, his head slung – he looked terrible, devastated. Cuddy hated herself for doing this to him, she hated him for being the way that he was, pulling her in like that and not being able to be what she needed.

"You really were able to walk down that aisle not able to feel anything?"  
"You think I didn't feel anything?"

"Sure as hell seems that way!" House said, standing up in a violent outburst.

"Think again," Cuddy seethed as she moved closer to him, her face only centimeters from his. "You think it was easy for me to go and marry him after last night? After the things that we said last night? After... after the things that we did lat night?" House's breath caught in his throat as he pressed his hands to her face and kissed her in a movement so fast she didn't have time to react. She kissed him back, knotting her fingers in his hair, pressing her body to his. She enjoyed the feel of his skin against hers, felt the vibrations of his heart beat, and the rush of blood throughout his veins. Her mind knew it was wrong and it only took another moment before it connected with her body.

"House! What the hell?" she said, relishing in the feel of his lips for a tiny moment longer before pushing him away from her. "I'm **married** now, House. Married! You missed your shot! You... you came too late," she said, gathering up her white dress and walking back to her husband.

"I say we just bail," House said, settling back into the chair next to Wilson, shooting a glare at the back of Cuddy's head.

"House, it's been only a couple hours – Cuddy is our best friend – you know we can't bail on her until the day is completely over." House rolled his eyes.

"I'm going to get a drink," he said, limping over to the bar and ordered a Scotch. He finished it quickly, leaning back against the bar, looking for some hot single woman to hook up with, to forget about Cuddy, to forget about everything.

"You're my Uncle House," a little voice said from behind him and he turned around to see Rachel.

"Yeah – how do you know?" He asked, treating her no different than any adult he knew.

"Uncle Wilson showed us pictures of you... he said you saved my mommy's life." House was slightly taken aback – he wasn't aware of the fact that Rachel knew Cuddy was not her birth mother.

"Yeah – I guess so."  
"Can you do me a favor Uncle House?" Rachel asked in her sweet light voice.

"I guess."

"Will you dance with me?" House choked back a laugh.

"What?"

"Nick won't dance with me... and his mommy is friend's with my mommy. And I asked to dance with him and he laughed at me. So can you dance with me?" House sighed, putting his glass down on the bar counter.

"Sure," he said, holding out his hand for her to take and he headed to the dance floor. Wilson and Cuddy watched as he held out his hands and Rachel took them on the dance floor, swaying back and forth. It felt awkward, she was too far down to the ground. He picked her up, surprised by her feather light mass, and he placed her on his feet. Rachel giggled cutely as they danced. House looked around the room at Wilson, no curious look on his face as he understood why House was being so unnaturally kind, and finally to Cuddy, who had nothing but the hint of a smile on her face. She, as well, knew exactly what he was trying to do – trying to prove to her that he could be a better man. And just like classic House, it would only last for so long – none of his changes lasted forever. She shook her head as she turned back to Foreman and Thirteen, who she had struck up a conversation with. He would always be House and she would always be Cuddy – they couldn't ever be House and Cuddy – it was too late for that.


	6. Chapter 6

Hey everyone! So this is the chapter that [I hope] you all have been waiting for!

Just a note, I'm really sorry that House seems a little OOC... at least he does to me. I don't know, but in the season 5 finale, he was very happy "i love you cuddy-ish". So yeah :)

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my writing.**

So as always, read, review and enjoy!

* * *

It wasn't the marriage that was hard – they had spent an amazing two weeks in Europe after the wedding and returned home, to life more or less than it had already been, just with a circular, golden reminder of their fidelity. And in turn, that tiny ring would remind Cuddy of her infidelity, when in fact it should be it should be a reminder of the marriage, their love, and their faithfulness. Her thoughts always kept drifting back to House and she felt horrible, almost 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

"Mommy?" Rachel asked one night as Cuddy tucked her into bed. They sat on the little bed together, Cuddy's arms wrapped protectively around her little daughter – once Rachel asked her to stay for a little bit, she was powerless to those light brown eyes and adorable smile.

"Yes baby girl?" she asked, mussing her daughter's curly dark hair.

"Why don't we ever see Uncle House?" Cuddy's blood stopped in her veins as she unconsciously sighed .

"Mommy and your Uncle House got into a fight and we don't talk very much."  
"Why did you guys fight?"

"Just grown-up stuff, sweetie," Cuddy said, anxious to avoid the conversation. She turned towards the clock, getting off the bed. "It's past your bedtime," Cuddy said, lifting up the sheets and tucking them around her daughter.

"Well... you should just say I'm sorry. It worked when Jenny was mad at me for spilling on her shirt and then she wasn't mad at me anymore." Cuddy laughed at the irony of receiving love advice from a five year old.

"Good night angel – I love you."

"I love you too, Mommy."

Cuddy gently shut the door behind her and sighed, leaning back against the door.

"You okay, honey?" Neil asked, a cup of tea and a book in his hand, as he headed off to their bedroom.

"Good," she said, as her phone began to ring. She looked down at the screen, smiling as she saw Cameron's number flash across the screen.

"Hey, Allison," Cuddy said, her smile turning to a look of shock and surprise when she heard Cameron screaming over the phone.

"Lisa – it's the baby – it's coming now!" Chase answered instead, hold

"Now? She's only at seven and a half months!"

"They're rushing her into emergency surgery... please just get down here!" Chase pleaded and Lisa nodded, throwing on her shoes and her coat.

"I'm on my way." Lisa snapped her phone shut, grabbing her keys off the counter.

"Do you want Rachel and I to come with you?" Neil asked, following her to the hallway.

"No, no – it's fine... Rachel has school in the morning and you have work... can you call me in sick?" Neil nodded.

"Sure," he said, kissing her. "I love you."  
"You too," Cuddy said as she turned and left without another glance.

* * *

"What's going on?" Cuddy asked as she approached Wilson standing in the waiting room on the surgical floor. He embraced her, giving her a kiss on the cheek as he stood up to greet her.

"Cameron went into early labor... Chase had to do an emergency C-section," Wilson said, looking hopefully at the OR doors, waiting for someone to come and tell them. They stood around anxiously for a few moments before Chase came out. Wilson and Cuddy rushed over to him before he could say anything.

"How is she?"

"How's the baby?"

"Cameron's good... she's in recovery right now... and the baby... it's a little girl. Five pounds " Chase said, tears coming to his eyes, both of worry and joy for his new baby girl. "Winters is working on her right now. She's not breathing on her own." Cuddy reached out and grasped his hand reassuringly. "Cameron's devastated... she's sure that this is her fault and she won't let me talk to her."

"Can I try?" Cuddy asked and Chase nodded.

"Thanks Lisa. She's in 2012."

* * *

"Allison?" Cuddy asked softly, knocking on the door. Cameron looked up to see her best friend, tears glittering in her eyes.

"I lost my baby...," she said, tears spilling onto her pale face.

"Shh...," Cuddy comforted, gently, wiping away some blonde strands that had fallen into her face. "You haven't lost your baby... they're working on her... Winters is working on her now – you know she's the best," she said, sitting on the edge of the bed, wrapping her arms around her friend. The two women sat intertwined as Cameron cried hopelessly.

"It's my fault, Lisa, it's my fault if she dies... I should have been stronger," Cameron rambled aimlessly, and even though her medical opinion told her otherwise, the life of her baby girl was all she could see.

"It's not your fault, Allie, and you know it."

"Want to meet your daughter?" Chase asked from the doorway and the two women turned to the door, to see Chase, Dr. Winters, and their little baby in an incubator. Cameron's breath caught in her throat as she put her hand against her mouth, surprised. Chase smiled at his wife and the two doctors pushed over the incubator.

"Oh! She's so small!" Cameron sobbed, tears of joys flooding down her face. They put the incubator next to the bed and Cameron swung her legs over the bed.

"Here," Chase said, taking her hand and putting it through the opening in the incubator. The baby girl reached out and grabbed her finger and Cameron smiled, more tears flowing down her cheeks.

"What... what are we going to name her?" Chase asked, sitting next to his wife, who laid her head on his shoulder.

"Kaitlyn... Kaitlyn Lisa Chase-Cameron," Cameron said with a little laugh at the numerous amounts of names. Chase kissed her passionately and Cuddy and Wilson smiled. The couple turned to the two of them as they broke.

"We... we were hoping you could be the godparents... and House too," they said hopefully and Wilson smiled.

"Of course – I'd love to. Do you want me to go get House?" Chase nodded.

"That'd be great – thanks Wilson."

"So... will you be Kaitlyn Lisa's godmother?"

"My name is her middle name – how could I not?" Cuddy said with a laugh as she hugged her friends. "Of course I will."

* * *

"She's cute – Chase's blonde hair. She hasn't opened her eyes yet... and she's really tiny. Only about five pounds," Wilson said, leaning against the doorway of House's office.

"Sound's adorable – I'll be sure to send a gift basket."

"House... they want you to be a godparent." House looked up, genuinely surprised at their request.

"Who's the godmother?" He asked, the answer already staring him in the face. Wilson hesitated, afraid to hurt his friend.

"Who is it, Wilson?" House asked, his voice growing in agitation.

"She's here...."  
"No. I'm not going."  
"House – Chase and Cameron are your friends... Cuddy is your friend too. You can't ignore her forever."  
"I sure as hell can." Wilson sighed, exhausted with House's petulant stubbornness.

"Just for five minutes. Can you please do it for them? For me?" House was silent for a few moments. It was going to hurt like hell not to be able to kiss her, not to be able to hold her in his arms, but the pain was worth seeing her again, even if for one last time.

"House! Take a look!" Chase cried joyfully and House rolled his eyes at the enthusiastic Aussie. A slightest hint of a smile pulled over his face as he gently touched the baby.

"She's cute. Kind of pudgy."  
"House!" Cameron cried, smacking him on the arm, as she rubbed her baby's arm.

"Hey," Cuddy said quietly as she looked up at House.

"Hi," he responded, looking up at her.

They felt like the world stopped as they looked into each other eyes – it had been almost two months since the wedding, since she had to go, since he couldn't control his feelings for her any longer. Cuddy sharply drew in her breath, withdrawing her hand from the baby and moving back.

"I'm going to go the bathroom... I'll be back in a few moments," she said, running out of the room. House watched her go with a sigh, as he scratched the back of his neck.

"Cute baby, congrats and everything, bye," House said, waving his hands around aimlessly as he limped out of the room. Fortunately, the crowd that had gathered in the room to see the new baby paid him no mind.

* * *

Lisa headed to the bathroom down the hall before bursting into tears, that had been penned up since the wedding. She cried because she loved them both and was hurting them both, she cried because she never could have House, and she cried for so many more things. In a few minutes, the hysterics stopped and she took a deep breath, composing herself. She was calm now, ready to return to her friends and smile, pretending everything was okay. She pulled a stick of concealer out of her purse, gently dabbing it under her red eyes. The door to the bathroom opened and she spun around.

"This is a women's bathroom, House." She wasn't surprised, it was something he would do, follow her to the bathroom like that. He locked the door and she felt her heart rate increase, nervous and expectant.

"House...," He stepped towards her and silenced her with his lips, holding her body close to his as his fingers slowly undid her shirt, sliding it over her head and tossing it away. His lips never left hers, never giving her the chance to speak, as he pushed her against the wall, never giving her the chance to leave. She surprised them both when she began to pull his shirt off, reaching towards his jeans and unbuckling them. They split for a brief moment, looking into each others eyes, the erratic beats of their hearts pulsating through their skin.

"That was wrong," Cuddy mumbled as she searched for her skirt around the bathroom and House looked up from sliding his shirt back on. He wasn't sure if she was talking to herself or him.

"I'm married now, House. I'm officially an adulteress whore," Cuddy groaned, as she tried to fix her curls. This was something she was going to have to live with for the rest of her life now, no matter how hard it was to forget. The strangest thing was that the ache that had been in her heart, pressing up against her ribcage, threatening to break though, had now dissappeared, reduced only to a tiny throb - and she knew it was because of House.

"You're not a whore – you're... you're a goddess. And I couldn't let... let the last time that I was with you, be the last time, because I didn't know that it was the last time.... I couldn't let that be the last time I kissed you, the last time I ever held that superb ass, the last time we ever... you know. Because I didn't appreciate" Cuddy stared at him in shock – he had never put himself out like this before. The last time he had, it was with Stacy and everyone knew how that had ended. She sighed, knowing that this would very likely kill him, and as she opened her mouth to use those words she had so carefully selected, her phone rang from her purse.

"Hey Neil," she said, guilt flashing over her face. House turned to go, but was interrupted by Cuddy's hysterical shriek.

"What do you mean?" There was silence for a moment.

"Did you call an ambulance?"

"Send them here – Princeton Plainsborough Teaching Hospital. Pay them if they won't drive that far."

"Yes I'm sure Neil. I trust his diagnostic skills more than anything," Cuddy snapped.

"See you in a little bit," Cuddy said as she hung up the phone, beginning to cry again.

"What's going on?"

"It's Rachel... there's something wrong."


	7. Chapter 7

So I really suck for leaving you guys at that cliffhanger. I'm so so so so so sorry I haven't updated lately. School wants to kill me, I swear. I've actually been working on this chapter bits and pieces for a really long time. I hope you like it, and I hope you've been liking it!

Oh, I really hope the medicine stuff is okay. I've been doing my best with that!

**Disclaimer & Copyright.**

So as always, read, review, and enjoy!

* * *

"What do you mean something is wrong?"

"She... she woke up with a fever in the middle of the night... and after Neil gave her some Motrin then she had a seizure." House was silent, unsure of what to say. He slowly, hesitantly wrapped his arms around her as she began to cry into his chest, balling her hands into fists. House pressed his face into her curls, the aroma her pineapple shampoo and her jasmine and vanilla scented perfume tantalizing his sense of smell.

"You can fix her – you have to fix her House," Cuddy sobbed, looking up at him. House hesitated, her words mulling over in his mind, and Cuddy hit her balled fists into his chests. "House – I've seen you work miracles, diagnose and treat when no one else could. You're telling me that you can't fix my daughter?" She shrieked and he squeezed her tighter, stroking her hair and planting a few small kisses on the top of her head.

"Okay," he gave in, just to stop her tears.

They headed out of the bathroom discreetly, as Cuddy smoothed her skirt and blouse, wiping under her eyes to prevent mascara stains.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly, and she nodded, refusing to look into his eyes.

"I should go... tell Wilson, and everyone," she said, turning around and walking away. He watched her go, and even though he knew it was the last time that they would ever be intimate, the last time he would taste her lips.

"Lisa!" Cuddy stopped and turned around, exposing her tear stained face.

"What, House?" Her voice sounded weary, matching the painful, heartbroken look in her eyes, the stress leaning on her shoulders. He hesitated for the second time, afraid to break her even more.

"Nothing," he said, holding in his feelings again. He wanted to hold her in his arms and kiss her, to tell her that everything will be alright. He couldn't do that, couldn't promise her something he couldn't. She sighed, her expectations flowing out of her as quickly as they had bubbled up. She walked away, leaving him standing there in awe. At the end of the hallway she turned and looked at him, feeling the intense blue of his eyes from yards away. She shook her head softly as tears rolled down her face, and turned and left, going to find Wilson.

* * *

They were gathered now in the differential room, House and the four team members around the table. Wilson was with Cuddy in Rachel's hospital room after House had made it perfectly and loudly clear she couldn't be part of the differential.

"Fever and seizure. Those are the only two symptoms we have to go off of," Taub said sounding annoyed. "It could just be a bad case of pneumonia."

"It's not pneumonia. No breathing problems nothing like that. Stop complaining and think about it for a second before dismissing it," House snapped sharply, banging his fist loudly on the table. He wanted to scream at them, to let them know once again that they were dealing with Lisa Cuddy's daughter, that if they couldn't save Rachel, she would have nothing to live for anymore. That everything that she had ever gone through would have been for absolutely nothing. There was silence as they stared at the file, lost for words.

"It could be porphyria," Thirteen said softly.

"No skin symptoms, muscle pain, etcetera, etcetera."

"What if it's a rare onset of porphyria? A small percentage of porphyria patients present with fever and seizures from the beginning." House was silent for a moment, considering the possibility.

"Good. What else?"

"Osteomyelitis."  
"No. Cuddy didn't mention any pain."

"Lupus," Foreman suggested softly, and although House hadn't wanted to consider the possibility, it was the first idea that had popped into his head.

"Go run a blood, urine, stool analysis for the porphyria and an ANA for the lupus." He said, waving them out of the room, leaving him to his thoughts. He decided to see go see Rachel and Cuddy, limping down the hall to the private room that Cuddy had insisted on her having.

"Did you find something?" Cuddy automatically asked, jumping out of her chair. House shook his head.

"The team is running a test for porphyria."

"One test – that's it?" Cuddy shrieked and House looked away, unable to look into her eyes. "What else did you run?" she asked, and House was silent. "What else did you run?" she asked more fiercely and he couldn't ignore her.

"An... ANA. To test for Lupus." Cuddy was silent, looking over at the sleeping Rachel.

"It can't be lupus... It can't," she said softly. Wilson watched, surprised, as House reached out a hand and squeezed her arm.

"We're just being safe," he mumbled. She looked up at him, surprised at his gentleness.

"House...," she murmured, feeling the electricity bubble through her again.

"Did they find something?" Another voice came from the doorway. Cuddy turned, moving herself out of House's grasp. House watched as he walked in, giving Cuddy a kiss on the cheek and moving to Rachel's bedside, smoothing the hair out of her face. He felt a twinge of jealousy at his apparent love for Cuddy and their child and after a moment, walked out of the room without a word. He stood outside, watching the happy family from afar. Cuddy looked up and met his eyes through the glass. A familiar twinge of guilt and love ran through her veins again as she sighed, wishing she could be with him in the way that she wanted to.

"I'll be right back," she said to Neil, giving him a half-hearted kiss on the cheek.

"Do you need me to get you something?"  
"No... I'll just be right back," she snapped, walking out on him.

* * *

"House – wait," she called after the limping man ahead of her in the hallway. He refused to turn around, turning the hallway in an attempt to stay away from her.

"You know you can't outrun me," Cuddy called, quickening her pace and in a few moments she had caught up to him completely. She grasped onto his arm, her nails digging into his flesh tightly, the intenseness of her grip sending pulses of passion through his body.

"Ooh, ouch – you really know how to hit a hard one," House said sarcastically and she tightened her grip, looking up into his eyes. He looked away, unable to look at her without feeling everything that he felt for her.

"I'm done, Lisa." There were multiple meanings to that simple phrase and Cuddy stared at him, attempting to decipher which particular one.

"Done with what?" She pleaded. "House – look at me!"

"Done with this... thing.... Cuddy, goddamnit, you have a husband! What was I, just some late night booty call whenever you got bored?" Cuddy looked away, ashamed, even though he wasn't even remotely close to her reasoning. "So, I'm done entertaining your little fantasies. You can't have your cake and eat it too."

"Do you... not want to be with me?" Cuddy whispered and House slammed his fist into the wall, making her jump. He clenched his teeth as the pain flooded through him, his knuckles dented and sore.  
"That's the dumbest fucking question I've ever heard," House seethed at her and she stared at him dumbfounded. "Do you think that I have ever not wanted to be with you? But you... you're married and you made your choice." Cuddy watched him in utter silence as she slowly, tentatively reached up a hand to stroke his cheek. Her fingertips gently traced patterns around his stubble, as she closed her eyes, sighing in ecstasy. They inched closer together, her emotions raging in a frenzy, but forcing herself to slow down, to stop and think, when suddenly they heard her name being called from down the hall. She pulled away, embarrassed as she turned and headed in the direction of her daughter's room, leaving House at the end of the hallway, angry and heartbroken.

"What's going on?" Lisa asked as she hurried into the room and over to Rachel's bedside, smoothing her hair out of her face as Neil held a bucket under her lips.

"She just started vomiting out of no where," Neil explained as Rachel keeled over into the bucket again.

"Her fever is back too," Cuddy noted as she pressed her lips to her daughter's warm forehead. House was in the room in seconds, just behind Cuddy as she watched the scene.

"House," Cuddy pleaded desperately, probing his ice blue eyes with her own. "Do something," she begged. House stood there, unable to move his throbbing leg and unable to tear his eyes from the heart-wrenching scene in front of him.

* * *

"Vomiting crosses out lupus. Did you get the test results for porphryia?"

"Negative," Kutner said, crossing something off on the chart.

"We're back to square one now, negative test results and another symptom," Thirteen said and House shot her a "No, really?" glare.

"We need some new theories," House stated, erasing the board and writing down the three symptoms.

"Brown-Symmers Disease – she's got the fever, the seizure, the vomiting – the symptoms usually start as quickly as hers did." House winced, hoping it wasn't true, but the possibility was just as likely as any other.

"What else?" he asked, moving away from the subject as quickly as possible.

"Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis."

"Kawasaki's." House nodded – they were all stretches, but he had decided to start with the graver diagnosis, then move into the less severe ones, such as Chagas' disease or meliodosis. It was what he did – insane, impossible theories that usually ended up being right.

"Go – run the tests," he ordered, then headed over to his section of the office to sit and think. He grabbed one of his balls from the desk and began to aimlessly throw it against the wall. He looked down, unable to control his train of thoughts. **She **was all he could think about, ever since he had shown up at her door the night before her wedding. Frankly, he was still pissed that after everything, she still managed to walk down the aisle. He threw the ball harder against the wall, the constant slam a strange comfort.

"So you're just going to hide in here?" House looked up at Wilson, but was unable to look him in the eyes.

"Catch," he said simply, tossing the ball to Wilson. Wilson caught it, but made no motion to throw it back.

"What are you doing in here House?" He asked, sitting down on the couch, folding his hands in his lap. House remained quiet, knowing Wilson knew the answer to that question.

"You can't hide from her forever – and you know that."

"I'm treating Rachel – not her. She self medicates enough as it is," House spat bitterly and Wilson raised an eyebrow, but shook his head, not pressing any further.

"Go see her... go see them," Wilson pleaded, knowing it would help calm Cuddy down for him to be there with her.

"No."

"House – you are acting like a small child right now. You really thought that she wouldn't walk down that aisle? She certainly isn't doing it to hurt you. She loves you so much, and you know that. You know how it would be with the two of you... You know exactly how it would be... and she did this for Rachel, not to hurt you. You don't know the kind of pain she has been going through. So please just come with me... and see them."

"Hey everyone." Wilson announced their presence with a smile, a stark contrast to House's glum expression. Cuddy looked up and smiled at Wilson, then turned to smile at House. Her expression mildly changed between the two friends, a certain glimmer lighting in her eyes as she met House's. He looked down, embarrassed, but returned her gesture with a small smile.

"How is she doing?" Wilson asked, looking at Rachel who was lying on the bed, happily chattering to Cuddy.

"She's good. Have you guys found anything yet?" House shook his head.

"They're running tests."

"What are they testing for?" House hesitated once more, knowing she would take offense to the diseases that he had had the team test for.

"Just a few diseases." Cuddy's face turned red with anger as she clenched her fists and stood up and stood close to him, angrily gazing into his eyes, her increasing temper making up for her short stature.

"What aren't you telling me, House?"

"Cuddy..." Wilson said, tired of their bickering.

"No, tell me House! I'm tired of you messing with people's heads like that! Will you tell me what you are testing for?"  
"Rachel!" Neil suddenly called out and Cuddy turned to the bed. They shook Rachel repeatedly, calling out her name and checking her stats. They had dropped significantly, but not to a dangerous low. Wilson pulled out his light, looking into her eyes.

"No reaction to the light," he said softly, looking over at House, who was standing in the doorway, an unreadable expression on his face.

"What does it mean?" Cuddy asked, biting her lip, even though she already knew.

"Lisa... she's in a coma," Wilson answered, wrapping his friend into a hug as the uncontrollable sobs began.

"House! Do something!" Cuddy shrieked, looking at him over Wilson's shoulder. He stood there, looking between the woman he loved, her daughter, and her husband. He couldn't let her down – not now. And maybe, just maybe, he could prove to be the man that she needed.


End file.
